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Cast of Characters

Welcome to the section of TSOALR where you get to know the people you read about three times a week.


TSOALR is copyright Stephen A. Campbell, 2004. This cartoon is intended as a parody and entertainment. Endorsement by Games Workshop, or copyright of any Games Workshop game terms or property, is not intended or implied.
Kren
First appearance: 1
Adept of the machine cult and commander/gunner of the Land Raider Jack. Is a little worried that his crew and vehicle have been given the cool chapter nickname of 'Fire Magnet' thanks to thier unerring ability to draw the fire of every gun on the game table. Enjoys an occasional drink post-game, as long as it isn't motor oil.

Has been seeing Sister Mary Napalm of the Adepta Sororita, who probably doesn't know about his Batman pajamas...

Kren (and Frep) were removed from Jack when the tank was assigned as Captain Yaupon's personal transport. They were then given a Mark 1 Land Raider named 'Iron Death Tank', complete with a Squat engineer named Murgatroyd V. Laserknuckles. The tank's unique dance mat control system resulted in them accidentally squishing the command squad during a battle.
Frep
First appearance: 1
Adept of the machine cult, member of 'Fire Magnet' and driver of the Land Raider Jack. Enjoys telling jokes (although no-one else likes hearing them). During an incident with an unsupervised game store kid, Frep's head was lost, and he was forced to drive for the rest of the tournament with no head, which Kren claimed improved his driving skills. The receipt of a new, pointy faced head prompted Frep to wax lyrical with a new range of rubbish jokes, resulting in Sgt. Larch taking decisive action with his chainsword.

Had the distinction of defeating an Emperor's Champion in one-on-one combat, by clevely tricking him into cutting off his own head.

Has been dating Sher'eek semi-regularly since commandeering Jack to take her on a first date.

When Kren was ill (see here, Frep took temporary work as a proxy model, fighting for (girds loins) the Warhammer army of Elector Count Earnest Myersburg von Hapsling Kevivvelhopper (phew). Whilst there, Frep engineered a coal powered laser cannon, managing to have a brief liaison with two comely lassies by the name of Bella and Lucretia. A lack of steam points (those sauna jaccuzis don't fill themselves, you know), Frep was fired out of the cannon, winning the battle! As a result, Frep was awarded with a prize.
Super Jackhammer Carrier Tank (Jack)
First appearance: 3
Named by the chapter owner's son. Jack is Kren and Frep's Land Raider, fearlessly carrying them into battle to get wiped out in the first turn. After an unfortunate incident with an unsupervised gamestore kid, his port lascannon sponson is upside down. When initially painted, his rear ramp was painted shut, much to the chagrin of the squad trying to disembark at the time. Reports state that the only serious casualty was a bolter.

Following the incident with the unsupervised gamestore kid, Jack's machine spirit was transferred to Corporal Cavendish's WWI Mk V tank for the duration of the tournament, then transferred to a model sports car for the journey home, prompting Jack to state that he was 'fast and furious'...

Jack and the other member of Fire Magnet were entered into a Golden Demon competition, which they won by the simple fact of being the only intact, unmelted models there. Claims that they melted the others with the lascannons are obviously unfounded...

Jack is particularly fond of the feeling of teleporting troops into battle, ever since he experienced it whilst proxying for a Necron monolith.

Jack is currently seeing the Land Raider Ms. Crusader, and may even try for a date as soon as she is repaired after suffering a rulebook in the top hatch...

Jack was assigned as Captain Yaupon's personal transport for a time, before being re- assigned back to Kren and Frep.
Brother Harkon
First appearance: 94 (named in 138)
Due to the new codex requiring that a Land Raider has three crew members, Brother Harkon was reassigned from regular duty to be Jack's third crewmember. He is a staunchly loyal trooper and has served well...his reward is to be responsible for the pumping out of the on-board latrine... Glory to the Emperor!

Is a veteran of the beanie wars, when the EPS were pitted against thier most heinous foe yet - a group of beanie babies who had taken over thier shelf...

Harkon saved Captain Yaupon from certain death at the hands of an irate Crimson Fists commander, and was promoted to veteran sergeant, with Jack being made up to the captain's personal transport. The reason for them being assigned back to Kren and Frep has never been made clear, and Harkon is stubbornly silent on the matter.
Brother Demosthenes
First appearance: 163
A marine in Terminator armour that Kren and Frep take great pleasure in 'tipping' - that is, sneaking up to him when he's asleep and tipping him over.
Brothers Hibiscus and Ginko
First appearance: 248
Two of the chapter's Dreadnoughts. They suffer from the same fate as most Dreads, failing to hit the broadside of a barn, then attracting the firepower of a small nation in response. Bless 'em.
Captain ?
First appearance: 130
Led the forces containing Fire Magnet during a Rogue Trader tournament which ended up with the EPS coming 12th out of 10.
Captain Yaupon
First appearance: 152
AKA Captain Christmas Berry. Yaupon is the overall commander of one of the chapter's companies, and has been in charge of Kren and Frep for some time. He issues the orders and assignments, and has been responsible for assigning Kren and Frep to the command Razorback amongst other things. When Harkon and Jack defeated a Tau army with the backup of a terminator squad, Yaupon reassigned Kren and Frep as foot soldiers with questionable results.

Later, Yaupon made the regrettable decision to choose the newly cleaned Jack and his crew to take him to the chapter commanders' meeting, where they unwisely took a keg of beer. This resulted in a drunken brawl being started and the unfortunate demise of the new Crimson Fists Prometheus pattern Land Raider. When the Fists' commander decided to punish Yaupon for this, Harkon gallantly assassinated him by bolter. As a result, Harkon was promoted to veteran sergeant and Jack was assigned as Yaupon's personal transport.

After being squished by a Land Raider, Yaupon was upgraded to Terminator armour. Then, following a successful battle against a Black Templars army, Kren and Frep mistook Yaupon's heavy footfall for a drop pod and freemed him good and proper.

NOTE: The cap may be the author's representation of himself, given the striking resemblance between him and the author's depiction of himself on sister comic Every Nine Minutes.
Chapter Master Sequoia
First appearance: Mentioned in 37, but never seen
Overall Leader of the EPS chapter. Seclusive and rarely seen...
Commander Hemlock
First appearance: 37
Commanded the Pointy Sticks during Kren and Frep's first tournament. Had the unfortunate task of reporting to the chapter master that the mighty Land Raider had been taken down by a pack of daemonettes, but had the honour of receiving the chapter's trophy for 'Most likely to need a bathroom break in the middle of a game'.
Corporal Cavendish
First appearance: 32
A gunner on the Mk V tank that Kren and Frep took over for a while during thier first tournament. Commands a crew of 40 due to the lack of automation on his tank. Proved to be a crack shot with the forward guns.

Following the tournament, Cavendish was rather upset to find that a lost squad of Space Wolves had made rather a mess of the carpets...

Some time later, Cavendish reappeared, having been modded up to proxy an Engineseer in an armoured company fighting against the EPS. His tank, Matilda, represented the Colonel's Vanquisher tank.
Dale
First appearance: Christmas 2003 (31A) (named in 103)
The unnamed Land Raider Crusader's driver. Dale now keeps his top hatch firmly closed at all times, following an incident with the tank's twin linked assault cannon...
Force Commander
First appearance: 113
Field commander of the EPS troops. Briefed the army before thier departure to the Rogue Trader Tournament.
Heavy Bolter Death Tank
First appearance: 165 (mentioned in 164)
Command Razorback that Kren and Frep were assigned to whilst Jack was too busy watching Stargate SG-1. Following the battle, the pair apparently filled him up with water and vented his exhaust stack to make bubbles. The tank did not enjoy this much and is now receiving therapy from Tech Marine Ficus.
Heroic Senior Officer Granule
First appearance: 60
Commander of the force of Cadian Imperial Guard who share a shelf with the EPS. Constantly shouts due to the shape of his mouth, which is permanently fixed in a yelling pose.
Inquisitor Matterhorn
First appearance: 84
Imperial Inquisitor called in to resolve a dispute between Frep and the driver of a Black Templars Land Raider following a shunting incident.
Iron Death Tank
First appearance: 232
Mark 1 Land Raider that was Kren and Frep's temporary 'ride' whilst Jack was being used as Captain Yaupon's personal transport.
Jenkins
First appearance: 89
Tactical Devastator marine who carries a lascannon. Remembered less than fondly by Sgt. Southern Yellow Pine for a boot in the eye incident...
Roger
First appearance: Christmas 2003 (31A) (named in 103)
Roger is the commander of the unnamed Land Raider Crusader, and was first seen, assembled but unpainted, at Christmas 2003, obtained alongside a gamecube and a plasma TV.

Roger is confident he and his ride were only painted due to the unending monotony of painting up 600 Cadians. He likes the range of weapons on his tank, primarily due to the fact that they are so useful...for example, the pintle mounted multi-melta is a fantastic barbecue...
Ms. Land Raider Crusader (Unnamed)
First appearance: 102
A Land Raider Crusader whose Machine Spirit is of the female persuasion. She and Jack have formed an initial attraction, but have thus far managed to keep their minds on the job at hand. Ms. Crusader's starboard hurricane bolter looks like it has been assembled by M.C. Escher due to a 'slight' superglue accident...

She was accidentally crushed by the new fourth edition rule book and was out of action for a while. Who knows, the repair job may also have resulted in the starboard bolter being fixed up!!
Murgatroid V. Laserknuckles
First appearance: 233
AKA Squat. The quasi-Scottish Squat engineer in charge of Iron Death Tank. Murgatroyd was ultimately blamed for the untimely squishing of the command squad after spending copious amounts of time teaching Frep how to fossy his way to victory. He took his revenge in messy style...
Onesie
First appearance: 198
A lost and forlorn die that Frep found at a game session. Because it only rolls ones, Frep named it Onesie. Because of an accident involving Onesie and Kren, Jack had to deploy without the majority of the crew, leaving Harkon to take the tank into battle.
Piggy
First appearance: 222
Piggy is a boar or wild pig. Something to do with ham, anyway. He was awarded to Frep by the commander of a Warhammer steam tank for helping them to win a battle. He is now the unofficial 'pet' of the crew.
Pointy Sticks of the Emperor
First appearance: 152
The ultimate nemesis of the EPS - the evil twin! The PSotE are a mirror image of the EPS, with slight differences. They have white armour with purple pads and...oh for heaven's sake, look at the picture!
Pounderizer (Predator)
First appearance: 48
One of the chapter's old-style Predators, who can shoot his main gun with 97% accuracy. Was instrumental in preventing the EPS from being defeated during a mega-battle by ending up positioned in the exact centre of the table, thus contesting every quarter and preventing the opposition claiming a win! Has been insufferably smug ever since.
Private Jenkins
First appearance: 131
Member of the Imperial Guard regiment that share a shelf with the EPS. So far the only soldier of either army to be shot by the enemy whilst the army was not in a battle...
Proxius
First appearance: 245
A wraithguard squad proxying for EPS Terminators. Harkon acted as the squad's Warlock, giving them the power of SIGHT!
Sgt. Fireberry Hawthorne
First appearance: 25
Was in charge of a squad during Fire Magnet's first tournament. Announced to Fire Magnet that they had a defiler at 3 o'clock, helping them to live for a further second.
Sgt. Larch
First appearance: 45
First seen running at Frep with a chainsword, Larch was subsequently shot right in the heraldry. Before this happened, he had the honour of introducing the chapter to thier new shelf-mates, Heroic Senior Officer Granule and his Cadian force. His medical condition is currently unknown, but the banner could not be saved.
Sgt Magnolia
First appearance: 1
Kren and Frep's company commander, who welcomed them to the chapter. Has a rather sarcastic manner on occasion, evidenced by his reaction to Kren's concerns that they were not painted...
Sgt. Maple
First appearance: 2
Sports a rather snazzy blonde ponytail
Sgt Mountain Ash
First appearance: 203
Was Kren and Frep's commander whilst they were deployed as foot soldiers. The sarge has a chaos power fist which he claimed as a prize from a chaos champion. Called Precious, it may or may not be a good idea for a loyal NCO such as Ash to have, since it recommended patting a loyal trooper on the back, then proceeded to perform a minor surgery on him...

The sarge was chopped in half by a power claw near the end of the battle. His fate, or that of Precious, is unknown from then.
Sgt Southern Yellow Pine
First appearance: 89(named in 125)
Sergeant of the devastator squad containing trooper Jenkins. Was shot in the eye twice during a battle. Considering that his eyepiece ended up embedding in Jenkins boot some time prior to this, he is now re-evaluating the need for a bionic eye...
Sgt Tulip Poplar
First appearance: 2
Short-tempered sergeant in Kren and Frep's company who definitely does NOT like hearing jokes repeated. Was seen to chop Frep's head off during one such incident.
Sgt Yew
First appearance: CCC (after 130)
Nearly took part in the Create-a-chapter contest, but eventually didn't because there was a fear that he would never come back...
Sher'eek
First appearance: 36
AKA Daemonette #3. Was first seen as a mounted daemonette during Fire Magnet's first tournament, then began dating Frep.
Sister Mary Napalm
First appearance: 105
Member of the order of the Rose of Blazing Agony. Kren's current love interest. She is zealous in her quest for witches and demons, and has flamed both Kren and Frep for making jokes about being witches.
Techmarine Ficus
First appearance: 30
The company mechanic, who relocated Jack's machine spirit to the Mk V tank, then to the sports car, then back home to the land raider...couldn't find Frep's head though...
Veteran Trooper Smik
First appearance: 17
The chapter's official colour scheme tester. Smik, along with his squad, was originally a part of the main game box set, packaged with a set of Dark Eldar. He has been repainted 211 times, and is sufering from an overdose of brake fluid, ensuring that his physical integrity is somewhat compromised.